What can i do to help..is by

  Week by week, time by time they become stressed, sicked, and face problem with the past. i looked at them. Sometime it make me sad too. i looked at them, its like the whole world try to take them down.

  I know its been hard for everything even for me too. Its like a tree look out for water. Its been a while, they looked so sad. I hate sad.

  One things i can help is by make sure they settle everything the had to. I can  help by doing the rest of the things. I'm not showing off. I just worry that everything will make you even stressed out, make you blaming the whole world.

  I don't care if you suddenly says, "ahhh you do it because you wanted to show off, or you do it for attention" well if you said the words, you never knows me.

  Don't you feel tired? i'm human and yes i tired. Even so, i don't define tired to myself. but one things i do really care is, i hate to see them sad. "Word spoken silently".

  If you understand then is ok. Understand is the best value of Thank you. But if you take it for granted or giving me that annoying look or felt that im annoying you or make you sick. Well then, all i can says is "its nice of you".

  Far from that, i really do thank you for everything, you maybe unnoticed it. To me this my way of saying "Thank you".

 

sometime i want to scream...

  Its like voiceless. taking care of everything sometime tire's. But i'll do it to make sure everything in order. taking care is a good thing to do. Beside, i can help lower their stress. Something its my way of saying thank you. Screaming yeah i sometime i really want to scream. Maybe that time was a bad day. But one thing i'm sure. I love taking care of things and make sure everything in order. Give me a hands is better then asking for hands.

I can't care

     I laughing but its not suppose to, i listened to them and wonder why i can't be like them? i don't talk to much lately. i see people, they have things they like and pursue it as hard as they can. i know what i want but lately time, space, words seem to bring me down. Ahh they won't make me down. hahaha
   
    Last time, somebody talked me.."you immature" i think that person judging on what i acting on. My posts on the Facebook really work. But its just sad, i can't be that person. whose really take things to the fullest. Last Mid semester breaks all people i known off to their hometown, the house eventually silence, its too silence until i can hear the refrigerator cooling sound.

   i guess that Mid semester break difference than last time. Last time i don't felt so lonely. Fortunately my housemate took me to enjoy even it is for a day. Silence really make you think. "What IF" that words playing and make you thinking deeper.

   "What If" really make us thinking. =)
Even so, we try anything and everything to be strong.. we just human hahah that for sure.

As i go

     Bit by bit, i felt that the eyes stared at me. Sound and whisper behind me, its like knife were after me. that place full of loneliness. They think i didn't see or not knowing. hahah, I know, i listen, i observe, anyway i won't judge or i won't nagging because we grown people, we have to know whats the best. After all, things will change instantly.

    Time won't wait and i should do the same, i should live to the fullest, i wont cried for any bad decisions. From now on, Things gonna hurt you more, remember you made a promise, that promise is the best. As you go, take and give everything you can, spent it as much as you can, gain as much as you can.

    Family, Friends and Events i shall treasured it. Life goes only once. I don't believe "The End" but i do believe time for each people will eventually stop.

    From my heart, now, it felt so lonely but not empty as i do everything to make myself happy, but still that loneliness filling my heart. I know why, haha that just my selfishness to get something. I guess i got jealous when i heard people talking about love, about how much they want to get love and be loved. And me, i still the same. i listen to them and then help them. But i wonder, will they help me when i really in that situation? 

   

    So silly of me to ask that question haha, even myself laugh if ask my friends that selfish question. haa Don't you felt tired thinking things that unworthy. Ohh i guess because of my age, i start to think of something. I think because of age people change. They begin to think about "ultimate sharing" and also they start to think of finding someone that able to hear their heart.

   For now, "you" don't ever share you problem, as you yourself can see no one will able to understand it. You shall do things that make you happy and in the same time don't  be drifted. Don't ever sad because its not worthy. keep that sadness for something that far important. Don't run away, just tell straight to their face if they ask you. Don't lied but you can lie if you have too haha.

  "You" must be careful because as the world spinning, everything can destroy you. Be MEAN, that worth to  do.

Negative

 No one can run away from unwanted behavior. Most of as realize the bad side or negative part inside. But remember you, its ok to have negativity inside you, as long as you use it well.

 

Enjoy like she's does.

 Mean is my specialty. Most people called me that and i love it. i don't expect people to understand my act. hahaha i don't explain, well then, human have brain and you should use it well. if not, means that  God a shit!.
   
  Maybe some friends will thought that i a bad person. well i never believe in "bad", its just a word. There is no bad people, i only believe in bad choices. Even so, we live to be the best. no doubt . i don't pray to God to lead my when i'm in darkness, but i pray to God to thank God. Praying is just a shit if you asking to make things easier.

  Well, i love being mean because doing so would remaining myself. i never believe in forgiveness of a sins but i do believe that i thankful for the sins.
 
 Being pain in the ass isn't that bad after all. =)

i looked outside

Alone in the room make me think a lot. i keep so many things, i told people "mirror" words. naa its ok..hahahaahah.

Outsider.

A friend asked. Why you acting like that? why you become weird? why you do that? Some might think that i crazy or some says i being stupid.

 I have my own ways to check on people. well sometime my way won't fit to some people. Sometime i don't do that, it just came to me naturally. I just don't simply trust people. Even thought people says that ohh that person are in Facebook or ohh that guy says something daring at tweeter. I not seeking for fame or whatever but  for me this is the only way we can understand people, through words.

 kill them with words then you will see the true them. What if it happen to you? my mind says, no matter what words come to you, you hold on. The best is to be silence.

Promise, i shall granted on own.

 Months ago, i promised something to myself. "I know it will killed you". Its better this way because i don't wont to harm you.

 I do everything to make sure myself to stop. Someday you will understand my selfishness. You hold on to something bigger than me. i won't disturb that moments. I know, its nice to love or be loved but i won't do it if it for you. 

 Well, let go nice things because you have important things that far precious than me.

Life is beautiful without me. you will see me acting cruel, mad, and worst, i seem don't care. Time killing you, moments will make you lost and everything will killed your heart if i keep the way like before. 

  TO me, the worst things i don't want to do is killing you slowly with nice moments.

I don't care and it worth to you.

is it afraid or just the other side?

   Lately, anger inside me has come out. I think the old me and the bad side of me taking control. i punish people. i wanted to stop but i can't. voices told me to punish them. they deserve it.

   Hopefully i will stop, because it make me fake everything.

On your own

 The night proved that moon is single. More of me saying that, Nice. but the sound and the light gone. What can i  do? I did something that mad. Well, it is mad and everything gonna be mad. This week i lost my track. things happen so sudden, things became hardly. And i become desperately. Gasping some air even harder for me. This week i go for something that i hope i get. If i get it, i'm sure it'll help a lot. but if not i just can thanks for the experiences.
 I hope, what i have planned will become true. i hope it just hard enough for these days. "Hold on" is just the words i can take now. When i walked, i'd listen to my own step. Does it hurt? does it goes like your heart? yeah.. life is about step and it is gonna hurt a lot. People around just the eyes, all they can do is just stop and stared. The step i have made, i leave it there. I will precious it. Now the new step seem to be hard. I don't understand pain, asking for help. This time "time" will teach me life, pain, and hardness.
  For now, you don't ever give up. plan everything, think wisely before your act and be friends and precious the things you have. Be selfish sometime. Remember you, you are alone here no matter what.

That's what happen when you on your own.

So cold but so Sweet

   Today, when i'm in class, i saw smile, laughter and loud voices from friends. Like always i sit down and looked at them. But now things difference. The voices sounded difference to me.

   I guess they finally found their own group and speaking their own languages. Kinda sad. "What ever!" this is the words that's suppose to be in my mind.

  Yes... these kind of thought is so cold. I hope i found sweetness from this coldness look's.

New way...

Paths, it is hard to determine. Some say it easy to understand once you see it clearly. My life now seem to be interesting. nahh, i am doing well. No matter what will come to me or obstacles  that i have to face, i will be strong.

    Future, emm, a lot to come and a lot to lose. when the time come i will ready.haha i always ready. it is been a long time i have changed. So do people around me. Even though it's hard to admit but i will understand deeply. Changing is not a bad thing but it is a must so we able to take care of our self.
 
    Scare isn't it.

Moment that i glad.

The sounds, i listen it with my heart. deep in my thought i feel relief. God really answer my called. It's been few days we didn't talk as always. After this, i hope i can create my distance. I hurt because of it, but it's ok. i did it because i am not worth. You, someone who i should not betray, destroy or make u sad.

    I guess we taught each other so many lessons. OK.. this time i will be powerful and i hope we will be successful and chase our dream together.

Plan

  For the next to come, I have done my planning to reach things i wanted. The first thing i should do is not to follow people. panic, emm now i never panic on something that should not. Back stabbing people, Emm haha i love the game, They dont know me yet because i am the creater of the game before. Afraid, emm, Nope, maybe a bit.
 
  Im not gonna make the same mistake, The first thing i should have are books. It's hard, previous Semester i did not have any books for myself. Hard semester for me the though. Thankful to my roommates, friends and lecturers for giving help and make me understand even deeper.

  2nd, Do thing i have plan from the beginning, Yeah, it is for my own survival. hopefully it will work and God approve it. I don't want to make my family in trouble or burden them. Its hard to see them like that. Hopefully i can do it well and achieve things i want without troubling anyone.

    More active for the coming semester.. hahahah thats my aim!

sometime

  Smile me, there is u. cave that who other then smile, so u just find it in no light. Each days i have found myself stuck. Sometime i like it, because it challenge me a lot. But there is something make me stuck even deeper than problems i had. Noo i won't called it problem. I called it something. Words, treats, stabbing, these i can handle it on my own. it is easy, because i really good at it. But there is something i cannot handle, because it hard, enough to make me mad. i asked myself, Should you be mad?. No, because it is not my rule, nor my ways. Now its effecting my studies. So sad, breath you. find your way to be you. emm, it's ok. i am strong no matter what. Hopefully i found my strength back.

   Far from this, i will do what ever it take to survive. i hope someone will help me through with these. i think it is enough for me to be alone going through all of it. Family and friends you are my wonderful.